Dear Reader,

IF YOU cannot quite grasp the following article don't worry unduly. I was there when it happened and I am completely baffled.

A BARRACK ROOM - SGT'S LINES:

"What's the time?"

"20.30, have you just finished?" I bloody hope so, I can't think of anything else to do. All the motors are ready to move on the Square. All the lads know what they are doing. Move at 05.25 hours, ain't it."

"Yeah, don't know why we have to be up at 04.00 hours."

"It's just to muck the troops about, didn't you think of that? Some of those officers have degrees for mucking soldiers about. Coming for a pint? I must have a shower and shave first - don't know when I'll get another. See you at the Cross Hands in minutes 15 ".

It is 21.00 hours on Sunday, June 11, 1978 at Penally Training Camp, South Wales. G (London Scottish) Coy is ready to move on exercise Blue Hackle II - the yearly task put before 1/'51st Highland Volunteers.

"I'll ram this pint up yer hooter if you keep on. You'll be all right this year, you've got an easy time in the Echelon. Come on let's get back to Camp. There's no birds here to look at tonight and it's an early start."

04.00 HOURS, MONDAY, JUNE 12.

"Christ, who's moved all the trucks? Sgt Carve, where's my Q Vehicle gone?"

"The MTO says that all Q Vehicles have got to move together".

"Sod the MTO!, my Major says the Q's going with us". Sergeant Sir!"

"Why's the Q Truck over there with that lot? MTO's instructions, Sir".

Major: "I'll see about this. Mr. Cairns you are late."

"Sorry Sir".

"Sergeant!  My FFR's only got one tank of petrol. I told you to see that they were all full. I don't expect my orders to be ignored. Get it full now!"

(Sergeant thinks): Bloody hell, where does he expect me to get petrol from at this time. I'll murder that Signals Cpl. I told him to make sure his FFR was OK. I'll nick the No 1 Burners petrol.

"Cpl Granger! Get two jerry cans off the back of the Q's Truck and fill your motor quick before I put my boot up your rear."

(Corporal pleading): "Somebody must have used the FFR in the night. Honest."

"Sergeant!" "Sir!"

"The indicator bulb on the back of my FFR doesn't work. Fix it now."

(Wait till I get my handy on that bloody Corporal). "Yes Sir".

04.35 HOURS, MONDAY, JUNE 12. REME WORKSHOPS.

"Stewart, give me an indicator bulb for a Rover - PLEASE".

"You what! Sod off you English idiot. I've got the Colonel's Landrover engine in bits and you want a light bulb?"

"Stewart, I've got to have that bulb. Stewart, I must have that bulb. I'm prepared to kill for it. Everything's gone wrong this morning."

"Help yourself to a dozen bulbs, I don't care, I just don't care any more, we'll never be ready to move by 05.25 ".

"Bulbs fixed Sir. Here's some spares. What about the Q Truck Sir?"

Major: "It will be going separately"

"Yes Sir" (thinks; all my kit's on that truck). "Shall I drive that truck then Sir?"

"No, let C/Sgt Woodall take it. You drive the Pln 4-Tonner."

(Oh no! Goodbye kit) "Yes Sir" "Mount up, move out".

"Sgt Ormiston, I want to see you standing up in the turret of the pln vehicle all the time"

"Sir!"

"What's the time Mark?" "05.25 Dave".

"Christ, we've done it"

"Yes, but it's bloody cold up here"

Sgt Ormiston continues to moan about the cold for the next two hours, sometimes he is singing about cold sometimes muttering. The Coy arrives at Brecon 07.25 Monday.

"There, nothing here Mark, look at all those hills and sheep. Where are we going now, to the Bivvy Area? Ha, ha, Hughes gone wrong, back up, that's made my day, hope all his indicators blow up!"

The Rifle Pln reaches the Bivvy Area. (Thinks -I'll help put the CP up. Cpl Granger's got some bacon and eggs. If I help and put the kettle on I might get some, anyway I can remind him about the empty petrol tank if he gets stroppy).

"Sergeant". "Sir!"

"Leave that, and take the Rifle Pln to the Zeroing Range".

(Oh s**t. I'll get rid of this lot fast and get back for eggs and bacon).

"Not so fast, Sergeant".

"I thought you were used to speed in Australia, Sir?"

"Not when I'm trying to read a map. It's just round the next corner. Well, maybe the next corner. We'll stop here and I'll ask these soldiers."

"Yes Sir".

"Turn round Sergeant, you missed it". No answer. Right drop us by that hut".

"Sir, I'll be back at 10.30 hours for you"  "OK Sarge take it away".

Now for eggs and bacon. "Colin, where's the breakfast?"

"There's a piece of bacon left, the Sgt Major ate the rest. Oh, and he says you've got to get hold of the MO and get some pills for one of the soldiers. He's got a touch of the 'skitters'. He knows about it."

"Who - the soldier?" "No! the MO".

"Why don't you use the radio to call Starlight. That's what it's for."

"Don't be daft Sarge. Last time I did that for a Jock who had a nose bleed, I got two Air Strikes and Starlight came in a Chopper with a nurse and the Padre."

(Sarge thinks again). "I hate this bloody army. Oh well, I suppose I'll go and get the Bivvys from Echelon and put them up for the lads."

Arrival at Echelon some 45 minutes later: "Ello darling".

"Oh hello, sweetness, where have you been?"

"I've been ferrying lots of lovely men all over the Range Area".

(Deep Highland voice, "Listen to those London poofs over there".)

(Sharp Cockney voice, "Shut yer mouth yer kneep nicking nutters.")

"Sorry about that interruption, dearest, is there any eggs and bacon?"

"Sorry, it's all gone. Perhaps you would like to join us on G Range for lunch at 12.00 hours."

"But I haven't had breakfast"  "Sergeant!"  "Sir!"

"What are you doing here?"

"Trying to get brea . . . Bivvys, Sir, for the Coy location. OK Graham, see you at 12.00 for lunch"

LATER

"Where's my lunch, Graham?" "Help yourself"  "Thanks".

Young Lt, "Still eating Sergeant, you shouldn't need it after such an easy morning".

(Thinks - my mouth is too full to answer and if I did I would probably be a Cpl by now).

"Sergeant" "Sir!"

"What have you learned about the C/Sgt's job so far today?" asks the Major.

"Quite a lot Sir, but I've got a long way to go yet. Is it all right if I spend the rest of the day in Echelon with the C/Sgt?"

"Yes, but where have you been since 05.35 hours this morning?"

"Helping you Sir"

"Oh, I see, very good"

BACK AT ECHELON - 13.30 HOURS

"What do we do now, Graham?"

"Tell Jimmy and Moose to put the dinner on OK ".

"How much ammo do we want?"  "As much as we can get. Some 9 mm and link"

"OK, I'll go and see if I can get it".

"Don't forget the bread".

LATER

"I've got 2000 9mm and 10 loaves and 8000 rounds of link"

"Good, what about the eggs?" "Eggs? What egg?"

"The ones I asked you to get". "Did you?" "Yes ".

"I must have forgot, I'll go back"

"That was one very nice dinner C/Sgt.  Well have some soup at 22.00 hours"

"OK Sir. I'll send the Sgt out with it."

22:00 HOURS

"Here's the soup, Sir"

"Well done. How many rounds of 9 mm have we got for the morning?"

"2,000. Sir".

"Ahem. Can you get hold of an SMG for us?" "I'll try, Sir".

"Oh, and we will have breakfast at 05.30 hours"

"Very good Sir. I'm going back to Echelon now. I'm getting eaten alive with mosquitoes. Goodnight, Sir."

"Jimmy!  Moose!  Breakfast for 05.30 hours.  Up at 04.15 hours."

"OK Dave, where's Graharn?"

"At an "O" Group with the QM"

00.30 HOURS, TUESDAY MORNING

"Got everything fixed for the morning Dave?"

"Yes, I think so Graham. How was the "O" Group?"

"OK, I'll tell you in the morning".

"Do you want a book 'Go Blind'?"

"NO".

"Goodnight, Graham"

"Goodnight, Dave"

"Graham"

"What?"

"I forgot the eggs"

"Oh s**t".

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